Really Want to Lose Your Purity?
Several weeks ago the interwebs both domestic and international went nuts over the China debut of a potent American adult beverage with a bad rep due to its heady concoction of alcohol, caffeine, taurine, and a variety of other gray-area stimulants (all wrapped up in a neon package certain to delight pre-teens).
Four Loko is its already legendary name, and if you've been paying any attention recently you've probably come across a media outlet or two that has slobbered over itself to be the first to break the news of innocent young Chinese knocking themselves for a loop after sucking down a can of the stuff dubbed "shī shēn jiǔ" (失身酒, lose your purity liquor) in Mandarin.
Likewise, many an aspiring alcoholic was eager to get their sweaty palms on a can in an effort to test its legendary powers.
All in the interest of science, we decided at the Beijinger to try to locate a few cans before we jumped on the bandwagon to declare Four Loko the new opium, ruining a generation of youth with its destructive powers.
While the truly lazy and the couchbound journo spent the 1.2 seconds to type the words "Four Loko" into the taobao.com search engine and declared it for sale, we took it one step further by scurrying outside to find it in one of the bars of Beijing.
Four Lokos at Heaven Supermarket
We scored on the first try: none other than Beijing’s depravity sinkhole, Heaven Supermarket, which may or may not be facing eviction for selling the stuff, carries cold cans of the stuff for an outrageous RMB 110 per can.
With a single glance at the back of the can we immediately noticed that Four Loko contains no caffeine, no taurine, no guarana, and no exotic stimulants: it's simply malt liquor masked with high fructose corn syrup and tarted up with a cocktail of artificial colors and flavors.
Yes folks, almost no one in this most recent press fury bothered to mention that Four Loko's US parent company removed the stimulants more than five years ago, meaning what's taking China by storm is merely the same shitty stuff that's been fading into obscurity in the US for more than half a decade.
Denial (quietly) issued
Nevertheless, local distributors have not gone out of their way to dispel the notion of this stuff being an elixir with potent powers. Savvy Chinese marketers realized the way to get to the ever-hungry press (and a youth culture eager for a new buzz) was to light a small scandalous fire in China, and let the media take the guerrilla marketing bait like lambs to the slaughter.
The drink's adorable Chinese name (shī shēn jiǔ, or "lose purity (virginity) liquor") is now banned from Taobao searches, along with its proper name “Four Loko,” and any reference to "Four Loko plus caffeine." However, with a little search term cajoling, you too can be the happy owner of a tin for anywhere between RMB 30 to RMB 140 (It should be known that this stuff currently sells for USD 3 a can in the States, almost a sixth of the asking price in Beijing’s bars).
Bar owners love the idea of charging RMB 100 for a can of anything
There are some concerns that some of the product available via Chinese online retailers are fakes – perhaps with the additives tossed back in, a Frankenstein’s monster of American collegiate stupidity combined with Chinese entrepreneurialism. However, we've not come across that stuff – and what's out there appears to be the genuine, dullsville US product, no scandals attached.
The two cans that we acquired for our taste test were of the sour apple and mango flavors, and its apparent from first sip that the mounds of added sugar are meant to mask any taste of the alcohol within, while stimulating nostalgic memories of the artificially-flavored beverages from one's pre-pubescent youth.
The sour apple has the same neon green of the Chinese version of Mountain Dew known as xǐng mù (醒目) and will remind more than a few expats of the Jolly Ranchers they sucked on as a youth. Either way it will permanently taint your childhood memories with its first viscous sip.
Here kid, have a sip of this -- then come for a ride in the back of my van
The mango's flavor is eerily similar to the juice that McDonald's pushers offered for free at North American youth sports games to start the cycle of junk food addiction and obesity that has continued unabated to today. The mango was smoother and sweeter than its green counterpart, making it go down dangerously easy, but had a faint stinky hint of filthy mop wafting out of its can accompanying its tropical tang.
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On another note, the Beijinger's 2016 Pizza Cup and Festival is just around the corner. The celebration will kick off with Pies for the People on September 15 onwards. Get special deals from various pizza parlors around town. Click here for more details.