Mandarin Monday: Tell a Joke in Chinese
Nothing is better at bridging a culture gap than making someone laugh, but how do you do that without understanding all of China's vast assortment of cultural references? Simple: To make a Chinese person laugh, tell a Chinese joke.
Here are a few jokes considered to be the best out of last's years jokes. Remember, it's okay if you don't find them funny; These are jokes tailored for a Chinese audience who love puns, and they play on Chinese words' similarities in pronunciation. But as such, there may be no better way to demonstrate your mastery of the language than to tell these jokes and pretend you think they're hilarious:
Something borrowed, something blew
一次结婚，新娘放一个屁，场面尴尬起来，一人说：“新娘放屁，大吉大利。”
Yīcì jiéhūn, xīnniáng fàng yīgè pì, chángmiàn gāngà qǐlái, yī rén shuō: "Xīnniáng fàngpì, dàjí dàlì."
A newlywed bride passed gas in public soon after her marriage. Painfully aware of the public embarrassment, one person diffused the situation by saying, "A newlywed bride passing gas signifies great fortune and luck."
不一会，又放俩个屁，场面有尴尬起来，那个人又说：“新娘放俩，一个顶俩。”
Bù yīhuì, yòu fàng liǎnggè pì, chángmiàn yǒu gāngà qǐlái, nàgè rén yòu shuō, "Xīnniáng fàng liǎng, yīgè dǐng liǎng."
Not long after, she passed gas again. This also caused a commotion, so the same person spoke up again, this time saying: "For a newlywed bride, one is worth double."
不一会，她放仨屁，场面尴尬起来，只见那个人又说：“快跑啊，新娘子要拉了！ ”
Bù yīhuì, tā fàng sā pì, chángmiàn gāngà qǐlái, zhī jiàn nàgè rén yòu shuō: "Kuài pǎo ā, xīnniáng zaǐ yào lā liǎo!"
Not long after that, she passed gas yet again, causing yet another commotion. This time, all the person could say was: "Quick, everyone run! Here comes the bride!"
READ: Mandarin Monday: Learn Inspirational Chinese Proverbs Both Real and Fake
Watered down
十一长假回来的当晚，某女在其男朋友宿舍留宿。
Shíyī chángjiǎ huílái de dāngwǎn, mǒu nǚ zài qí nánpéngyǒu sùshè liúsù.
On the last night of the National Day holiday, some girl stayed over at her boyfriend's dormitory.
第二天清晨，此二人被宿舍同学紧急送往校医院，经校医询问，诊断病例填写如下：
Dì èr tiān qīngchén, cǐ èr rén bèi sùshè tóngxué jǐnjí sòng wǎng xiào yīyuàn, jīng xiào yī xúnwèn hòu, zhěnduàn bìnglì tiánxiě rúxià:
The very next morning, the pair were quickly rushed to the school infirmary by other students in the dorm. After a medical exam, their diagnosis was given as follows:
女孩因脱水导致昏厥，男生因暴饮暴食 导致消化不良！
Nǚhái yīn tuō shuǐ dǎozhì hūnjué, nánshēng yīn bàoyǐn bàoshí dǎozhì xiāohuà bú liáng!
The girl has become dehydrated due to lack of water, while the boy has a bad case of indigestion from eating and drinking too much! (Because it was the last night of holidays before school began again...)
I Came, I Saw, He Concur
某日，来福去乡下探亲，来到一道上，站着一人一狗。
Mǒu rì, Láifú qù xiāngxià tàn qīn, láidào yī dào shàng, zhàn zhe yīrén yīgǒu.
One day, Laifu went to the countryside to visit relatives, and on the road he encountered a man and a dog.
来福问他：“你的狗会咬人么？” 乡下人说：“不会！” 话音未落，那狗突然咬了来福一口。
Láifú wèn tā: “ Nǐ de gǒu huì yǎo rén me?” Xiāngxià rén shuō: “Bù huì!” Huàyīn wèi luò, nà gǒu tūrán yǎo le Láifú yīkǒu.
Laifu asked him: "Does your dog bite?" The man said: "Nope!" But before he could finish speaking, the dog suddenly bit Laifu.
来福怒道：“不是说你的狗不咬人吗？” 乡下人笑道：“但这不是我的狗啊。”
Láifú nù dào: “ Búshì shuō nǐ de gǒu bù yǎo rén ma?” Xiāngxià rén xiào dào: “Dàn zhè bú shì wǒ de gǒu ā.”
Laifu said angrily: "Didn't you just say your dog doesn't bite?" The man laughingly answered: "But that's not my dog."
READ: Mandarin Monday: Phrases to Order Takeout (for Both Beginners and Advanced Pranksters)
Cold, hard cash
五元钱被犯罪团伙绑架了，打电话给百元钞： “喂！你儿子在这里，不想我们撕票就用自己来换他！ ”
Wǔ yuán qián bèi fànzuì tuán huǒ bǎngjià le, dǎ diànhuà gěi bǎi yuán chāo: “Wèi! Nǐ érzi zài zhèlǐ, bù xiǎng wǒmen sī piào jiù yòng zìjǐ lái huàn tā!”
A five yuan note was kidnapped by a criminal gang, which called a one hundred yuan note (for a ransom): "Hey! Your son is here! If you don't want us to rip him into pieces, you'll come and exchange yourself for him."
百元钞想了一下说：“撕吧，撕了你们连五块钱都没有了！ ”
Bǎi yuán chāo xiǎng le yīxià shuō: “Sī ba, sī le nǐmen lián wǔ kuài qián dōu méi yǒu le!”
After thinking it over, one hundred yuan note responded: "Go ahead and tear him up, after you tear him up, you won't even have five yuan anymore!"
Heart to take
从前，有一个穷人来到一位百万富翁的家里。这个穷人向百万富翁讲述自己的苦恼。
Cóngqián, yǒu yīgè qióngrén láidào yīwèi bǎiwàn fùwēng de jiā lǐ. Zhègè qióngrén xiàng bǎiwàn fùwēng jiǎnshù zìjǐ de kǔnǎo.
Once, a poor person paid a visit to the home of a millionaire. The poor person asked the millionaire to tell his story of woe and trouble.
他把自己怎样受苦讲得那么真切动人，这位百万富翁受到从来没有过的感动。
Tā bǎ zìjǐ zěnyàng shòukǔ jiǎng de nàme zhēn qiè dòngrén, zhè wèi bǎiwàn fùwēng shòudào cónglái méiyǒu guò de gǎndòng.
The millionaire was so effective at telling his hardships that he experienced feelings that he had never felt before in his life.
他对仆人说：“约翰，快把这个穷汉赶出去，他使我的心都碎了。”
Tā duì púrén shuō: “Yuēhàn, kuài bǎ zhègè qiónghàn gǎn chūqù, tā shǐ wǒ de xīn dōu suì le.”
The millionaire told his servant: "John, remove this poor person from me at once, he is breaking my heart."
READ: Mandarin Monday: Your Summer Essentials Chinese Phrases
I'm pink, therefore I'm spam
女同事骂男同事：“你是猪！” 男同事怒了，反驳道：“我是猪才怪！！”
Nǚ tóngshì mà nán tóngshì: “Nǐ shì zhū!” Nán tóngshì nù le, fǎnbó dào: “Wǒ shì zhū cái guài!!”
A woman cursed her male co-worker: "You are a pig!" The male co-worker got angry and retorted, "It would be strange for me to be a pig!" by saying the words: "I am Zhu Caiguai!"
于是，这几天，女同事的语气都很奇怪。 “猪才怪，去开会了！” “猪才怪，在上厕所呢？” “猪才怪，中午吃什么啊？”
Yúshì, zhè jǐ tiān, nǚ tóngshì de yǔqì dōu hěn qíguài. “Zhū Cáiguài, qù kāihuì le!” “Zhū Cáiguài, zài shàng cèsuǒ nē?”
Therefore, over the next few days, the female worker adopted a strange tone by substituting his retort in place of his name. She would tell him, "Zhu Caiguai, time to go to the meeting!" "Zhu Caiguai, going to the bathroom, are we?" "Zhu Caiguai, what did you have for lunch?"
男同事忍无可忍，对女同事大吼：“我不是猪才怪！”
Nán tóngshì rěnwúkěrěn, duì nǚ tóngshì dà hǒu: “Wǒ bú shì zhū cái guài!”
Unable to bear it anymore, the male co-worker yelled at the woman: "I am not Zhu Caiguai!" which, contrary to his first statement, also means: "It is not strange for me to be a pig!"
Fakin' until you bacon
小学时上课爱睡觉，一次语文课老师布置作业写一篇作文，题目是“假如我是蜘蛛”。
Xiǎoxué shí shàngkè ài shuìjiào, yīcì yǔwén kè lǎoshī bùshì zuòyè xiě yīpiān zuòwén, tímù shì “Jiǎrú wǒ shì zhīzhū”.
I used to love sleeping in class during elementary school. Once the teacher assigned homework of writing an essay with the subject, "If I was a spider."
下课了问了同学，晚上在家绞尽脑汁的写了一篇轰动全校的“假如我是只猪”。
Xiàkè le wèn le tóngxué, wǎnshàng zài jiā jiǎojìnnǎozhī de xiě le yīpiān hōngdòng quán xiào de “Jiǎrú wǒ shì zhīzhū”.
After class, I consulted with my classmates, and at home, I wracked my brain to write an essay called, "If I was a pig." ("Spider" and "a pig" in Chinese share the exact same pinyin.)
后来我在学校火了。。
Hòulái wǒ zài xuéxiào huǒ le...
Afterwards, I became well-known throughout the school ...
READ: Mandarin Monday: How to Order a Jiānbing in Mandarin
So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
高中语文考试，有道填空题：山对海说：“你是如此的宽广、如此的澎湃、如此的博大。。”然后下面的填空是海对山说。
Gāozhōng yǔwén kǎoshì, yǒu dào tiánkōng tí: Shān duì hǎi shuō: “Nǐ shì rúcǐ de kuānguǎng, rúcǐ de péngpài, rúcǐ de bódà...” Rán hòu xià miàn de tiánkōng shì hǎi duì shān shuō.
On a writing exam in middle school was a fill-in-the-blank question that went: The mountain said to the ocean: "You are so broad, so full of vigor, so vast..." Underneath was a blank space to write what the ocean said back the mountain.
大家都极尽所能发挥想象，结果，卷子发下来时，有个同学在空格里填了：“谢谢。”
Dàjiā dōu jíjìnsuǒnéng fāhuī xiǎngxiàng, jiéguǒ, juàn zi fā xià lái shí, yǒugè tóngxué zài kōnggé lǐ tián le: “ Xièxiè.”
Everybody did their utmost to come up with the most imaginative answer. When it was time to hand in our papers, we discovered that one student had filled in the blank by writing: "Thank you."
Images: Keyword-suggestions.com, Meme Pictures (picphotos.net), chinaSMACK.com, Asiatown.net, Chinese Family Adventure (china-family-adventure.com)
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