Rear View: A Taste of Convention
Rear View takes a jocular look at some of the experiences that make Beijing such a fun place to live (if they don't break you first).
Here at the Beijinger, we love food and drink, especially when it’s free. For this month’s Rear View we have scuttled around town, creeping through drains and into kitchens to snatch whatever we can lay our greedy paws on, before returning to our lair to prepare this for you: a veritable smorgasbord of Beijing’s lesser-known bars and restaurants.
Trumpburgers
This new outlet brings the authentic taste of contemporary America to the streets of Beijing. The burgers are guaranteed to be pure beef, with no trace of brain, heart, or backbone – just like the POTUS himself. And like the Donald, they’re topped with an indeterminate yellow substance. One bite, and you’ll see why the words “American cheese” go together as naturally as “Scottish wine,” or “Australian diplomacy.” Specially made to be held by tiny hands, the Trumpburger includes a nod to local cuisine, with the onion replaced by slices of fresh durian.
Pizza Fasulla
For his award-winning dough, Chef Davvero Cinese uses only authentic 00 flour from Tuscany, mixed with water drawn from the Trevi Fountain in Rome and transported on Venetian gondolas. “It’s-a a good-a pizza-a,” he told us, adding: “Capisce?” before riding off on a Vespa to hack down a striker just outside the penalty area. Although he’s definitely authentically Italian, and not from Hebei as has sometimes been claimed, the chef has made a concession to Beijing tastes in his pizza; instead of mozzarella, he uses stinky tofu.
Ye Olde Dickensian Shakespeare Tearoom
This authentically English establishment gives Beijingers a chance to experience everyday life in Great Britain, traveling to wizard school by Tardis before sitting down to tea with the Queen and Simon Cowell. All dishes are served by snooty butlers on silver trays and are flavored with the bittersweet tang of post-imperial decline. The Cornish cream tea comes with a subtle Chinese twist, as the strawberry jam is substituted by red bean paste.
Quebec to the Future
The full range and variety of Canadian cuisine can be sampled at this authentic and atmospheric establishment, from fries with cheese and gravy, to authentic Quebecois poutine. “There’s more to Canada than just maple syrup, eh?” the proprietor told us, before admitting that, in a witty fusion with local fare, the fries are in fact steamed bamboo.
Imperial Tailor Whisky Bar
Inspired to share his passion for fine Scotch, hutong hipster Cameron Trustfund opened this exclusive bar, where prices range from a very affordable RMB 200 for a shot of Johnnie Walker Red Label, to an exclusive 50-year-old single malt, aged in the sporrans of Speyside crofters, “for which,” Trustfund said, “you might as well just hand over the deeds to your house.” He served us with a glass of Macallan, which, he told us, was so refined that to uneducated palates it would taste just like cold tea. As professional food writers, we enjoyed the many and varied notes of peat, heather, and haggis which we detected, and will certainly return, if a rich uncle dies or something.
The Fidel Castrato Cocktail Shack
This hip new lounge adds a local twist to traditional cocktails, as the owner has filled empty bottles of western spirits with Beijing bathtub hooch. We enjoyed an authentic mojito, with the traditional mint ingeniously replaced by danggui, and we’ll be back for more, if we can remember where it is. And where we left our credit card.
This article first appeared in the November/December 2017 issue of the Beijinger, which you can read via PDF online or in hard copy at all of your favorite venues across town.
Click the cover to read the November/December 2017 edition of the Beijinger
Image: SCMP.com
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