Date Night China: Think Before You Friend on WeChat

Stephanie Stone theBeijinger

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This article comes from Date Night China (WeChat ID: datenightchina), your guide to dating in China, from love to lust, first dates to worst dates, hilarious stories, and top tips to avoid (or steer into) disaster. Single in the city? Season 2 of their podcast is out now: anchor.fm/datenightchina. To connect with others in the DNC community, add co-host Rachel to join their WeChat group: rachelweiss22.

I get it. Human beings crave connection. And when you’re single, that desire can feel amplified. The good news is that there are many ways to successfully connect with people, and none of them involve you immediately coming across as creepy, lazy, or shallow.

This is why you should never send an unsolicited WeChat friend request – because the odds of you being unwelcome far outweigh the odds of you being well-received.

In all my time of accepting random friend requests on WeChat (and I do so out of sheer curiosity), I can honestly say none of them have led to any kind of meaningful conversation, friendship, or a date.

Here are a few points to think about before you add a stranger from a random WeChat group.

There are plenty of ways to connect with people, and none of them involve unsolicited friend requests

Remember: You are a stranger‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍‍

You have no reputation to fall back on, no friend to recommend you, no non-verbal cues for him/her to pick up on as they would have if you approached them in a bar or a coffee shop.

You need to make yourself very relevant, interesting, and non-threatening very quickly because, in their mind, you’re already very sus.

Chances are, whatever you have to say, she's heard it all before

Flattery will get you nowhere

It may sound counter-intuitive, but starting off with a compliment is a sure-fire way to come across as disingenuous.

Girls talk, and we’ve discovered that if a guy adds one girl from a group, he’s added several. Your opening “compliment,” therefore, is an unflattering line that we know you’ve copy-and-pasted to everyone. It’s lazy and insultin

Worse is the mindset that a “nice” compliment entitles you to this person's time, conversation, or courtesy. You are entitled to nothing. Remember, to this person, you’re a stranger offering empty compliments. Expecting someone to spend their valuable time investing in someone they didn’t know existed until moments before is presumptuous.

Now is all you have

On the heels of empty flattery, some men then express their desire for a conversation, a friendship, a date, or more. Why would you expect this? How can you know you want this?

Remember, she is a stranger to you just as much as you are to her. Maybe your world-views aren’t aligned. Maybe she’s in a relationship. Maybe she sneezes too loudly and it drives you bananas. You come across as desperately lacking respect for yourself or the other person by indiscriminately spraying your friend requests all over a group.

It's true....

How to achieve the connection you crave

Slow down. No matter how well-intentioned and "good" of a person you are, unsolicited friend requests automatically place you at a disadvantage. Take a moment to put yourself in the other person's shoes and think about how your friend requests might be perceived.

Hint: It will not be welcome and you’re better off putting your energy into these two alternatives which have a much higher chance of success.

1. Be active in the group chat.

Take note of who else engages and on what topics. Ask specific questions and opinions of people who are active in the conversation. This is one way to start building your reputation and getting to “know” other people in the group.

If you send a friend request to someone you’ve been actively conversing with in the group chat, you’re now 1) not a stranger and 2) have a better opening line than “You’re beautiful. Do you have a boyfriend?”

2. Attend group events.

Chances are, people who are active in the group chat will also attend its events. You can even express your desire to see your fellow group members there, extending an informal invitation of sorts. When you show up to the event, you now have people to seek out and conversations to have.

There's plenty of digital fun to be had after you make that initial connection

Think before you friend

Whatever form of connection you crave, I sincerely hope you find it, and I hope you go about finding it in a way that affords the greatest chance of coming across as the wonderful human that you are.

So please, no random friend requests… we all deserve better.