Talking to Children About Discrimination

Biologically, you and I share 99.9% of our genes, no matter what colour our skin is or in what corner of the world we are born. You’d think we’d embrace and celebrate this commonality but nope, some geniuses (sarcasm intended) go to great lengths to look for the inconsequential differences and then exploit them to oppress and/or claim superiority over others.

While some significant progress has been made in the fight against discrimination, remnants of this so-called “socially transmitted disease” persist to this day, and the stress of being discriminated against has been directly linked to physical and mental health problems like depression, obesity, anxiety, and substance abuse.

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Discrimination: Beyond Racism

Most of the day-to-day experiences of discrimination are more likely to be reported by racial and ethnic minorities. However, discrimination goes beyond these two margins. People can be discriminated against due to their sexual orientation, age, weight, gender, religion, disabilities, level of income, etc.

My Experience

In my house, this topic – particularly around race – is inescapable. We are a mixed-race family: My husband is white, I am Black African and, according to the “one-drop” rule, our children are Black.

We have told our oldest daughter about all the prejudice that follows a family like ours, and we try to equip her with ways of dealing with it, as well as ways of handling it if it happens to others like her.

When the murder of George Floyd dominated the news worldwide, she was well aware of the “what, when, why, and how.” Conversely, she also knows that two men or two women can fall in love and get married, albeit only in some parts of the world.

We are beyond blessed that, due to my husband’s work, we have lived in different countries and we meet people from all walks of life. Her friends are a rainbow of backgrounds, income levels, colour, and ethnicity. She immediately empathizes when someone is being treated differently.

We once spent a year back home in Belgium and she had to attend our local, Dutch-speaking school. One of her new classmates was a girl who struggled to speak proper Dutch. Our daughter was automatically drawn to her. She later told me, “Mum, other kids couldn’t understand what she was saying and couldn’t play with her. I wanted to play with her so she can learn proper Dutch and be able to play with others.”

Another time, my husband’s niece (who is white) took my daughter swimming. At the swimming pool, they met my daughter’s classmate who asked her, “Who is that you are swimming with?” to which my daughter replied, “That’s my cousin.” The baffled and entirely incredulous classmate told our daughter, “That can’t be your cousin. She’s white and you are not.” Of course, this kid had absolutely no ill-intention or bias but he clearly needed to learn that having two different skin tones does not mean two people can’t be related.

How To Talk To Kids

Talking to kids about biases is crucial. Choosing to ignore it, even while children are noticing it all around them, just continues to fuel the toxic cycle of stereotypes and hate. Talking openly with children, however uncomfortable it may be, can prepare them to deal with discrimination, both against themselves as well as those around them. Similarly, they will become more self-aware and thus better understand the insidiousness of internalized and unconscious biases, which they themselves may unwittingly exhibit.

A few tips to help:

• These days, starting the conversation really isn’t all that difficult because there’s simply no escaping it. It’s on our screens, in our living rooms, in classrooms, on the playground, in politics, and in movies. We have seen the historically well-documented treatment of Black people around the world as well as the rising discrimination and hate crimes against Asians in America. Kids are smart. They see these things. And when they do, that should be the conversation starter.

• When you speak about it, don’t make it a “one-off” conversation: “Oh yeah, that is happening. Very bad. Let’s move on.” These discussions should be ongoing and open. Any time, any place, anywhere, don’t get shy about discussing it. We need to speak up when we hear or see racism or discrimination in any form, and we want them to be able to do the same.

• Seize opportunities to continuously discuss discrimination. From TV shows that have a single-race cast to companies that have all-male leadership. Discuss women in top leadership positions like Li Dang, Jacinda Arden, Maggie Wei Wu, Sheikh Hasina, or Saara Kuugongelwa and what a positive impact it has on feminism. Talk about Gauthier Destenay, the partner of Luxembourg’s Prime Minister Xavier Bettel. 

• Make the discussions age-appropriate. Some kids are just too young to grasp the totality of the subject. As they get older, you can get deeper into the topic. 

• Teach them how to calmly deal with a situation if/when they become the potential target of discrimination, or how they would defend a potential target.

• If it’s your own child espousing these misconceptions, use this as a conversation starter to learn why they feel that way and educate them on why it is wrong.

• We need to take the conversation up with our schools too, thus ensuring that they do their part in teaching all children about the wrongs of discrimination in any form.

What About Us?

We are all prone to assumptions and certain behaviour towards people and races that are different from us. Most of us are guilty of laughing at some racially charged jokes. Some of us have social networks that are far from diverse. Now, I am not implying that one should consciously start looking for people that don’t look like him or her and (forcefully) be friends with them, simply to prove they are unbiased. However, if all your friends and their friends’ friends look like you, then it’s hard to teach anyone or learn about diversity. Children learn from our words and actions. So, we should first take a hard look at ourselves before we start the conversation with them.

When we discriminate against people, we miss a huge opportunity to learn from them. Let’s teach our kids to simply see people – not a race, ethnicity, background or sexual preferences.

Images: Pexels