【TED演讲】不要让自己成为一个混蛋

中英文字幕

A few years ago, I signed up for something called a 360 review.

几年前，我报名参加了一场“360度评估”。

If you've ever worked in the corporate world, you probably have heard of this diabolical exercise.

如果你在业界工作过，就应该听说过这种变态活动。

It's an anonymous survey with your bosses, peers and direct reports.

这是一种让你的老板、同事和直属上司参与的匿名调查问卷，

And the idea is to get a panoramic sense of your strengths and weaknesses.

为了全面了解你的强项和弱项。

I opted for the colonoscopy version of a 360 review.

我报名的是360度评估的“肠镜”版本。

Which included my wife, my brother and two of my meditation teachers.

包括了我的太太、兄弟和两个冥想老师。

In all, 16 people gave hour-long confidential interviews.

总计16人参与了为期一小时的保密采访。

And I was then handed a 39-page report brimming with blind quotes.

然后我收到了一份39页长的报告，充满了匿名留言。

I can tell you're looking forward to hearing the results.

我看得出你们很想听听结果。

Sadists.

你们就喜欢被虐是不是？

But I'm going to make you wait a second.

但是你们得等一会儿。

Because I should give you a little background on me.

因为我要稍微介绍一下我自己。

I used to be an anchorman.

我以前是一名主持人。

I worked at ABC News for 21 years.

我在ABC新闻工作了21年。

It was a very stressful job.

压力非常大。

In fact, I had a panic attack live on the air in 2004 while delivering some otherwise mundane headlines.

2004年，我在直播时急性焦虑症发作，当时我正在播报一些日常新闻。

The good news is that my nationally televised freakout ultimately led me to meditation, which I had actually long rejected as ridiculous.

好消息是这次全国直播的惊恐表现最终把我指引上了冥想之路，此前我一直认为冥想太离谱了。

I was raised by a pair of atheist scientists.

我的父母都是无神论者。

I'm a fidgety, skeptical guy.

我是一个焦躁多疑的人。

And that kind of led me to unfairly lump meditation in with aura readings, vision boards and dolphin healing.

所以我一直带有偏见地认为冥想就是气场解读、愿景板、海豚治疗之类的东西。

But the practice really helped me with my anxiety and depression.

但是冥想确实帮助我缓解了焦虑和抑郁。

And so my goal became to make meditation attractive to my fellow skeptics by ditching the New Age cliches and liberally using the f-word.

因此，我的目标变成了让我的多疑同伴们都对冥想产生兴趣，从不再使用流行语和问候家人开始。

To my great surprise, this unorthodox approach turned me into a quasi self-help guru.

令我惊奇的是，这种非主流的方法让我成为了一个准自救大师。

And a few years into this trip, I decided that I wanted to get a sense of whether my inner work was having outer results, you know?

冥想了几年以后，我决定要搞明白我的内在改变有没有产生什么外在成果。

Was meditation making me a nicer person?

冥想有没有让我变成一个更好的人？

And that's why I signed up for the 360.

所以我报名参加了360度评估。

And now I will tell you about the results.

我现在可以告诉你们结果了。

The first 13 pages were dedicated to my sterling qualities.

前13页赞美了我的优秀品质。

People talked about how hardworking and intelligent I was.

人们说我很努力，很聪明。

Many also said meditation had made me more caring.

也有很多人说冥想让我更善解人意了。

But then came 26 pages of beatdown.

紧接着就是26页的泼冷水。

The first blow was that some reviewers noted that I had a penchant for being rude to junior staffers, which was deeply embarrassing.

第一击就是有的反馈者说我总是对初级职员很粗暴，我觉得太丢人了。

But it only got worse.

但是剩下的更不堪入目。

I was called emotionally guarded, a diva and an authoritarian.

有人说我防备心重、性情暴戾、独裁主义。

I don't know why that's funny.

有啥好笑的。

Some people even questioned my motives for promoting meditation.

甚至有些人质疑我推广冥想的动机。

It got so bad that at one point my wife, who was reading it with me, got up and went to the bathroom and cried.

铺天盖地的质疑让我太太在和我一起看这些评论的时候，起身走去洗手间哭泣。

I think for me the most painful part was realizing that the aspects of my personality,

对我来说最痛苦的一点是我最为之羞耻、

that I was most ashamed of and had really tried to hide were in fact on full display for everybody.

最想隐藏的一部分性格特质，其实对所有人昭然若揭。

And those included my two most prominent and problematic demons: anger and self-centeredness.

包括我性格中最显著、最恶劣的两个恶魔：愤怒和以自我为中心。

Sorry.

不好意思。

I've never talked about this publicly before.

我之前从没在大庭广众下说过这个。

Thank you.

谢谢。

I thought we weren't supposed to applaud authoritarians here at TED.

我还以为TED的观众不会给独裁者鼓掌呢。

Bottom line, meditation had helped, for sure.

至少有一点，冥想确实有作用。

But I clearly retained the capacity to be a schmuck.

我这么说绝对不代表我是个傻子。

And I am not alone in this.

我也不是唯一一个有这种感觉的人。

All kinds of bad behavior have been on the rise.

各种恶习都在消失。

Reckless driving, unruly airline passengers, violent crime, online bullying, workplace incivility, tribal antagonism, even general self-centeredness.

乱开车、暴躁的乘机旅客、暴力犯罪、网暴、职场不文明行为、族群敌对，甚至是常见的自我中心。

At times, it can really feel like our social fabric is unraveling.

有时我们真的可以感觉到社会关系正在缓和。

So after my 360, I decided to do some work on myself and to see if I could also learn some things that, by extension, might help the species.

在我的360度评估之后，我决定改变自己，看看能不能通过学习一些东西惠及全人类。

I pulled every lever at my disposal.

我竭尽所能大展拳脚，

I did psychotherapy, communications coaching, bias training, couples counseling and more.

从事了心理治疗、交流指导、偏见训练、婚姻调解等等工作。

And while I was really grateful to be able to do all of this stuff and all of it helped,

虽然我非常感激可以做这些工作，这些工作也确实让人们受益，

I was still finding myself too often getting selfish or snippy.

但是我还是感觉自己总是会很自私或者暴躁。

So I signed up for a nine-day silent retreat where I would practice a kind of meditation that has been shown to boost your capacity for warmth.

所以我报名参加了一个为期9日的静修营，于此我操练了一种冥想方式，可以增强你内心的温暖，

It's called loving-kindness, which, as you might imagine, sounded to me like Valentine's Day with a gun to my head.

名为“慈爱”，你可以想象出对我来说，听起来就像在情人节拿枪指着我的脑袋。

But I was in it to win it.

但是我势在必行。

I really wanted to be a nicer person.

我真的想成为一个更好的人。

I kept getting tripped up though.

虽然一路磕磕绊绊，

Because the woman who was running the retreat, my teacher, her name is Spring Washam.

因为静修营的营长，我的老师斯普林·瓦沙姆坚持说，

She kept insisting that if I wanted to be less of a jerk to other people, I needed to start by being less of a jerk to myself,

如果我想在其他人眼里显得不那么混蛋，我就先得不那么混蛋地对自己。

which I thought was the kind of thing you hear from Instagram influencers and spin instructors, so...

我觉得这就是网红和健身教练会和你说的话，所以……

And she even went so far as to suggest that when I saw my demons emerging in meditation, I should put my hand on my heart and say to myself, It's OK, sweetie.

她甚至还和我建议如果在冥想过程中看到了恶魔，我该把手放在胸口，对自己说：“没事的，宝宝。

I'm here for you.

我会陪着你。”

Hard pass.

没门儿。

Pasadena.

绝对不行。

I was not going to do that.

我才不要这么做。

But over the ensuing days of nonstop meditation, I did notice that my twin demons were in full effect.

但是在接下来几天不间断的冥想中，我确实发现我的两个恶魔在上蹿下跳。

My anger had me rehearsing glorious, expletive-filled speeches I would deliver to my boss about the various promotions I deserved.

我的愤怒让我用华丽又脏话连篇的辞藻向我的老板要求应得的晋升。

My self-centeredness had me writing my own five-star Amazon reviews for my various books, praising my elegant prose and rugged good looks.

我的自我中心使我为自己写的书在亚马逊网站留下五星好评，赞美我的优美行文和豪放文风。

And in the face of all of this roostering and rage, I layered on an avalanche of self-criticism.

这种自吹自擂和暴躁易怒的行为引发了我自我批评的狂潮。

I told myself a whole story about how I was an incurably self-obsessed, cranky monster who had cloven hooves and a retractable jaw.

我给自己展现了我是一个多么无可救药的暴躁自恋狂，和面目狰狞的恶魔一样。

After about five or six days of drinking from this fire hose, I caved.

接受了五六天的疯狂灌输后，我妥协了。

Mid-meditation, I put my hand on my heart.

冥想中途，我把手放在胸口。

And while I definitely was not going to call myself sweetie, I did silently say to myself, It's all good.

我肯定不会叫自己“宝宝”，但是我悄悄地对自己说：“没问题的。

Dude, I know this sucks.

兄弟，我知道感觉不太好。

But I've got you.

但是我会支持你。”

This was very strange and embarrassing.

这太奇怪，太羞耻了。

But in this moment, I had an epiphany.

但是此时此刻，我悟了。

I realized that my demons were actually just ancient, fear-based neurotic programs, probably injected into me by the culture, by my parents.

我发现我的恶魔其实是从小由恐惧而起的“神经病”，也许是文化、父母灌输给我的。

And they were trying to help me.

这些恶魔是想帮我。

It was the organism trying to protect itself.

它们有自卫机制。

And when I stopped fighting them, they calmed down for a few seconds.

如果我放弃反抗它们了，它们就会消停一会儿。

I didn't have to slay them.

我不需要征服它们。

I just had to give them a high five.

我只需要勇敢接受它们。

And this counterintuitive extension of warmth was not, I realized, it was not indulgent.

我发现这种生长出来的违反直觉的温暖的感觉并不是肆意蔓延的。

It was radical disarmament.

这是一种让人彻底卸下防备的方式。

Here's the way I think about this.

我是这么想的。

At any given moment, we humans have two choices or two spirals that are available to us.

在某个特定的时刻，我们人类面前有两个选择，或者说是两种旋涡。

The first is what my friend Evelyn Tribole calls the toilet vortex.

第一种，我的朋友伊芙琳·特里波称之为“马桶旋涡”。

The reason why this looks childish and ridiculous is that I drew it myself.

这张图看起来有点幼稚搞笑是因为这是我自己画的。

It's OK, sweetie.

没事的，宝宝。

You're good at so many other things.

你还擅长做很多别的事。

I probably shouldn't make fun of the thing I'm going to try to get you to do, but...

我不应该调侃我想让你们做的事，但是……

The toilet vortex might start like this.

马桶旋涡开始会是这样。

You're picking on yourself.

你会对自己挑三拣四。

Because you don't like the way you look in the mirror.

因为你不喜欢镜中的自己。

You're unhappy with your level of productivity or you have failed to achieve ketosis, whatever.

你对自己的生产力不满意，你没达成生酮减肥目标等等。

And then you take that out on other people and then you are feeling more miserable, and then down you go.

然后再加之于他人，就会感觉更糟糕，于是进入了旋涡。

The vastly superior alternative is what I call the cheesy upward spiral.

有一个好得多的情况，我称之为“油腻”上升旋涡。

This one was drawn by a professional.

这张可是由专业人士绘制的。

As your inner weather gets balmier, because you've learned how to high-five your demons, that shows up in your relationships with other people.

你的内心感到更加平和之时，这是由于你学会了如何接受你的恶魔，也会体现在与他人的关系之中。

And because relationships are probably the most important variable when it comes to human flourishing,

人际关系可以说是事关人类繁荣的最重要的变量，

your inner weather improves even further and up you go.

你的内心大大改善了关系，然后你就腾飞了。

And that is the whole point here.

这就是我要说的重点。

Self-love, properly understood, not as narcissism, but as having your own back, is not selfish.

自尊自爱，对自己有良好认知，而非自恋，支持你自己，并不代表自私。

It makes you better at loving other people.

你就会更善于关爱他人。

And the flip side of this was on full display in my 360.

我的360度评估展示的是完全就是反例。

All the ways in which I was torturing myself showed up in my relationships with other people.

我折磨自己的种种行为产生的恶果体现在了我的人际关系上。

And as those relationships suffered, so did I.

这些人很痛苦，我也很痛苦。

Taken together, my two excellent drawings represent a kind of amateur unified field theory of love.

总而言之，我的两幅杰作展示了我粗浅的关于爱的集大成理论，

I call it Me, A Love Story.

我称之为“我，爱的故事”。

That's a deliberately ridiculous name.

我故意起了这么一个好笑的名字。

But I am actually pretty serious about using the word love.

但是我可是正儿八经地在用“爱”这个词。

Granted, it's a confusing term.

诚然，这个词有点含糊不清。

Because we use it to apply to everything from our spouses to our children to gluten-free snickerdoodles.

因为我们把什么都叫做“爱”，我们的配偶、孩子、无麸质曲奇。

But I am comfortable embracing the broadness of the term.

但是我很能接受这个词的广泛含义。

I consider love to be anything that falls within the human capacity to care, a capacity wired deeply into us via evolution.

我认为爱就是任何在人类关爱能力范围之内的东西，这种能力自古以来深入骨髓。

It's our ability to care, cooperate and communicate that has allowed Homo sapiens to thrive.

我们关爱、合作、交流的能力，让我们人类生生不息。

And it is a failure to exercise that muscle.

我认为没有利用这些能力。

It is a lack of love that I think is at the root of our most pressing problems, from inequality to violence to the climate crisis.

缺乏爱，才是一些迫在眉睫的问题的根源，无论是不平等、暴力，还是气候危机。

Obviously, these are all massive problems that are going to require massive structural change.

显然，这些大规模的问题必须要有大规模的制度改变。

But at a baseline they also require us to care about one another.

但是至少，它们促使我们互相关爱。

And it is harder to do that when you're stuck in a ceaseless spiral of self-centered self-flagellation.

如果你深陷自我中心、自我折磨的无限漩涡中，就更难做到这点。

Thank you.

谢谢。

So I guess what I'm trying to say here is there's a geopolitical case for you to get your shit together.

所以我想说的一点是你得支棱起来，不然你还会“祸及”世界。

And the massively empowering news is that love is not an unalterable factory setting.

一个振奋人心的好消息是爱并不是一个无法调节的硬性设定。

It is a skill that you can train.

你可以锻炼爱的能力。

It's actually a family of skills.

爱包括了很多能力。

After my 360, I learned a whole bunch of practices for upping my love game.

在360度评估之后，我学习了很多方式，提高爱的能力，

And I'm going to share two with you right now that I think would be very easy to integrate into your life.

我现在可以给你们分享其中两个，非常适用于你的生活。

The first is to boot up a practice of loving-kindness meditation.

第一，尝试慈爱冥想。

I should say that it does not require you to subscribe to some fancy metaphysical program.

你不一定要报名参加一些花里胡哨的玄学活动，

And it shouldn't take up too much time.

也不会花很多的时间。

Maybe a few minutes a couple of times a week to start.

也许从每周多次几分钟开始。

The instructions are really simple.

规则很简单。

Find a reasonably quiet place.

找一个安静的地方。

Assume a comfortable position, close your eyes and begin by envisioning a really easy person.

找一个安静的姿势，闭上眼睛，想象一个和你关系不错的人。

Maybe a good friend, maybe a pet.

可以是你的朋友，你的宠物。

And then you repeat in your mind four phrases.

然后在脑海中重复这四个词组：

May you be happy.

“愿你快乐。

May you be safe.

愿你安全。

May you be healthy.

愿你健康。

May you live with ease.

愿你自在。”

After you've generated a little warmth, you do a bait-and-switch and move onto yourself.

在产生了一些温暖之后，你可以把目光转向你自己。

Once again, you conjure the image and send the phrases.

再来一次，想象画面，默念词组。

After that, it's on to a mentor, somebody who's helped you in your life.

然后想象一个导师，在你的人生中给予你帮助的人。

Then a neutral person, somebody you might overlook.

然后是一个无关痛痒的人，可能你会忽视的人。

Then a difficult person, probably not hard to find.

然后是一个讨厌的人，应该不难找。

And then we finish with all beings everywhere.

然后我们就着眼全人类了。

To some of you, this may seem forced and treacly.

也许对一些人来说，这太强迫了，还有点恶心。

But it's worth noting that the research shows that this practice has physiological,

但是值得注意的是，研究表明这个过程会产生生理上、

psychological and even behavioral benefits.

心理上，甚至是行为上的益处。

The other practice I'm going to recommend is to start consciously counterprogramming against your inner critic.

我还想推荐另一个方式，就是有意识地抑制你对自己的吐槽。

Next time you notice yourself going down the toilet, if nobody's looking,

下次你去洗手间的时候，如果四下无人，

put your hand on your heart and talk to yourself the way you would talk to a good friend.

你就可以把手放在胸口，像和一个好朋友说话一样自言自语。

For ambitious people, this may be a little scary.

对“硬汉”性格的人来说，这可能有点吓人。

You might fear it's going to erode your edge.

你可能会觉得这太没面子了。

But research shows that this process of replacing your sadistic inner tyrant with a supportive inner coach,

但是研究表明，这个过程——抛弃骂骂咧咧的事儿精，选择支持你的教练，

who has high standards but is not a jerk about it,

它可能会高标准，但绝不是个混蛋，

makes you more likely to reach your goals.

会让你更有可能达成目标。

Now, I will cop to the fact that even though I've now retired from my job as a news man and am a full-time meditation evangelist,

我想说一个情况，虽然我作为一个新闻人已经退休了，现在是一个全职的冥想推广人。

I still go down the toilet on the regular.

我还是会时不时陷入马桶旋涡。

But I'm much more likely to access the upward spiral these days.

但是最近，我进入上升旋涡的频率增加了。

In fact, three years after my 360, I got another one.

在我参加360度评估的三年后，我又参加了一次。

Because I never learn.

因为我不长记性。

And this one was way different.

这次就截然不同了。

People gushed about how much I had changed as a friend and a mentor and a colleague.

人们纷纷表示我作为朋友、导师、同事，改变得太多了。

They talked about specific meetings where I used to be a prosecutor and was now delightful.

他们还提到了一些会议，以前我会是咄咄逼人的“检察官”，而现在让人愉悦。

One person said: His ego is shrinking,

一个人说道：“他的自负减少了。”

which I think was a compliment.

我觉得是在夸我。

And another person said: He’s finding his heart,

还有一个人说：“他找到了心之所向。”

which the new me let pass.

洗心革面的我就不追究这句了。

After she finished reading, my wife turned to me and said: Congratulations, now you're boring.

我的太太看完之后和我说：“恭喜你成为了一个无聊的人。”

I'm hoping that was a joke.

但愿这只是玩笑话。

Because in my opinion, upping your love game is anything but boring.

因为我认为提高爱的能力绝对不是无聊的。

It's countercultural because it cuts against the never-enoughness and always-behindness that society seems to want us to feel.

这与我们的文化相反，因为它与社会想让我们学会的贪得无厌和畏畏缩缩背道而驰。

It's courageous because it's hard to look at your demons.

这需要很大的勇气，因为直视恶魔不是一件易事。

And it's happiness-producing because when you high-five your demons, they don't own you as much.

这会让你心生愉悦，因为当你接受恶魔的时候，它们就会少占据一点你的身体。

And all of that makes you more generous and more available.

这些都能让你胸怀更宽广、更开放。

If that sounds grandiose or touchy-feely to you, let me put it to you another way.

如果你觉得听起来太宏大，或者有点矫揉造作，我也可以这么说。

The view is so much better when you pull your head out of your ass.

如果你不叽叽歪歪，赶紧支棱起来，世界会更美好。

Thank you very much.

谢谢。