【TED演讲】公司不是你的家

中英文字幕

I started my career in management and technology consulting, spending almost a decade giving it my all.

我毕业后从事管理和科技咨询行业，在这个行业奉献了近十年的青春。

I did the 80 to 100 hour billing weeks, the 100-plus fights a year, for years on end,

我每周工作80至100小时，一年到头从不停歇地打了100多场官司，

the early promotion chase and didn't scale back on other parts of my life either.

提前晋升紧随其后，但我也没有放下生活的其他部分。

Still volunteered, went to my SoulCycle classes did brunch and late nights with my friends until my completely overscoped life turned into burnout cycle after burnout cycle.

我还做志愿者，参加SoulCycle精品单车健身课，和朋友们从早聚到晚，直到我这过度忙碌的生活进入了一个又一个精疲力竭的循环。

In 2017, my brain and body hit a wall.

2017年，我的脑子和身体突然宕机了。

I started struggling with debilitating, chronic migraines that, for me, meant that after months of no change and no medication or treatment working,

我身体虚弱，受到慢性偏头痛的折磨，几个月来毫无改善，药物和治疗都没有奏效，

I knew I had to take at least a leave from work.

我知道我至少得脱离工作，休息一下了。

And that was devastating for me because work had really become my everything.

这对我来说打击太大了，因为工作真的就是我的全部。

There is a memory that haunts me from that time.

从那时起，就有一个回忆萦绕在我的脑海。

And it was the night before I was about to go on leave, and I was just grabbing dinner with a friend and my husband.

那是我休假前夕，我和我的朋友、先生一起吃晚饭。

And I said to my friend, "Work is my entire worth and my identity.

我对我的朋友说：“工作是我人生的全部价值，是我的一切。

I don't know what I'm going to do without it."

如果没有工作，我都不知道要做些什么。”

And my husband's body language and face dropped in a way that I had never seen it.

我看到我先生的动作和表情都流露出一种前所未有的失落。

And after my friend left, I remember him saying to me, "I can't believe that you think that work is your only worth when I see so much more.

在我朋友走后，我记得他对我说：“我真不敢相信，你竟然觉得工作就是你唯一的价值，在我的眼中，你的价值远不止于此。

And I can't believe you can't see that either."

我也不敢相信你自己竟然没有意识到。”

It's a poignant memory for me because I remember it feeling so true.

这个回忆让我记忆犹新，因为太扎心了。

And now I know it's not.

当然我现在知道工作并不是我的全部。

But it was a really rough period.

但是那段时间真的很艰难。

It's such an important one in my life because it gave me the opportunity to do my own mental health work and understand where these burnout behaviors had come from for me,

那是我人生中非常宝贵的一段时间，它让我有机会处理一下自己的心理健康问题，搞明白精疲力竭的根源，

so that now I could grow into being able to discern when those behaviors are healthy or unhealthy.

这样我就可以逐渐分辨哪些行为是健康或者不健康的。

For me, where those behaviors started and were adopted is that I grew up learning that I needed to be perfect and to people please and be the best at everything so that I could get myself out of a situation that I felt like I otherwise wouldn't be able to make it through.

对我而言，这些行为来源于我成长过程中被灌输的“我必须做到满分”的思想，让人人都满意，尽善尽美，这样我就能摆脱我认为自己无法度过的困境。

For me, that perfectionism and people-pleasing was so critical to that point in my life.

对我来说，当时我的眼里只有这种完美主义和讨好型人格。

But then when I just put it on autopilot, it went way past the point of diminishing returns and often became unhealthy for me.

但是当时我任其发展，给我带来的好处逐渐被伤害取代，让自己越来越不健康。

That's my story.

这就是我的故事。

Let's spend some time getting to know yours.

我们来听听你的故事吧。

I'm going to invite you to do a little bit of reflection activity with me as you're comfortable,

我要请你和我一起做一些反思，保持舒适的状态，

if you can all just close your eyes wherever you are.

请大家闭上眼睛。

And with your eyes closed, I'm going to ask you to start to bring to mind a part of you that tends to overwork,

闭上眼，请大家召唤身体中的一部分，那一部分的你经常过度工作、

to be a perfectionist or a people-pleaser, struggles to set boundaries.

有完美主义或者讨好型人格，不太会设定边界。

When I ask what it would be like if you tone that part of you back a little.

我想请你稍稍克制一下这一部分的你。

Just let that go a little.

就克制那么一点点。

For the piece of you that pops up with some tension or resistance, let's lean into that and ask, why not?

你可能会紧张，会抗拒，我们来研究一下，为什么你不愿意这么做呢？

What would happen?

会发生什么呢？

What would go wrong?

会出什么问题呢？

Would things go wrong, the other shoe would finally drop, and it'd be all your fault?

会不会事情出了错，一切尘埃落定了，然后所有的锅都由你来背？

Would you lose success?

你会失败吗？

Would you not have anything to talk about in conversation to feel worthy anymore?

你已经没有什么有价值的东西和别人分享了吗？

Then let's practice some curiosity around where you might have first adapted or learned this.

我们来了解一下你是如何第一次接触到或者产生这种心态的。

When it might have helped or protected you in life.

它也有可能在生活中帮助或保护过你。

Did you learn early on you had to be perfect to avoid shame or discipline?

你是不是从小就被教育要做到完美，以避免丢脸，避免受罚？

Or when you were young, did you learn you had to be overly self-reliant,

你小时候有没有被教育要一切靠自己，

you had to take care of everything and everyone because your caretaker couldn't.

你得照顾你身边的所有事所有人，因为你的监护人根本不会这么做？

Or maybe later in life, in college, did you learn it was worth sacrificing whatever you needed to get that win or accolade,

或者在后来的生活中，在大学里，你有没有不惜一切代价，只为取得胜利或者荣誉，

maybe to make up for not feeling accepted earlier in life?

也许是为了弥补童年缺失的被接纳感？

See what it would be to speak to that part of yourself and say, "Thank you so much for making this adaptation.

你可以对这部分的自己说：“谢谢你让我变成了这样。

You helped me through such an important time, but right now, I don't need you to be on the clock all the time anymore.

你帮我度过了难关，但是我现在不需要你时时刻刻待在我身边了。

I have a beautiful life that I've built with safety and stability, and I have people in my life that love me for who I am and not what I do.

我的生活很美好，安全、稳定，我的生活中有人爱我这个人，而不是爱我的所作所为。

You can take a breather so I can to."

你可以休息一下了，这样我也可以休息一下了。”

As you're ready, just gently opening your eyes back up and coming back into the room with me.

等你准备好了，请你轻轻睁开你的眼睛，回到我们的会场来。

Welcome back.

欢迎回来。

So part of that reflection activity is an example of what we would technically call identifying our cognitive schemas.

这个反思活动的一部分在专业上我们称之为“确立认知图式”。

Our cognitive schemas are essentially how our brain forms all of our subconscious behaviors, patterns,

认知图式是我们的大脑形成所有下意识行为、规律、想法、情感的方式，

thoughts and emotions which our brain largely learns based on past experiences we've had.

我们的大脑基本上会基于过往经验完成这个过程。

A majority of our subconscious schemas, our behaviors, are formed and adapted early on in life, especially in childhood,

大部分的潜意识图式和行为都是在人生早期形成和调节的，尤其是在童年，

because our brains are kind of blank slates, we haven't experienced much of life yet,

因为那时我们的大脑还是一张白纸，我们还没有过什么人生经历，

so out of safety and efficiency, our brain takes each big experience and wants to say, OK, this is what I did, these were the factors around, this is what happened and therefore is how I should predict,

于是出于安全和效率考虑，我们的大脑会捕捉每一个重大事件，分析这是我的行为，这是相关因素，这是事件的结果，所以我以后都该这么预判，

I should feel, think and act from here on out.

我该有这种感觉、思维和行为。

And it puts that on autopilot into our subconscious.

它让这种感觉自动进入我们的潜意识。

This can be very beneficial, and it does keep us safe and efficient.

这可能会很有帮助，而且确实可以保证我们的安全和效率。

However, it can also become very outdated and unhealthy for us too, which is why it's so important to do this work.

但是，它也会逐渐过时，逐渐危害我们的健康，所以进行这样的活动就非常有必要。

Now, doing such work is not about saying, because a lot of our subconscious behaviors were formed in the past, that they're all invalid or wrong.

进行这样的活动不代表由于许多的潜意识行为都是过去形成的，所以它们都是无效或错误的。

What it is about doing is making sure we each do our own due diligence to understand where the blueprint of our behaviors came from and ensure they're still relevant and productive to our current lives.

我们需要做的是尽全力去了解这些行为都是从哪里来的，确保它们和我们现在的生活依旧有关且能产生积极影响。

We update everything else important in our lives, from our homes to our technology to our education.

我们会不断更新生活中其他重要的事物，比如我们的房子、科技、教育。

Why aren't we doing the same with our behaviors that affect our everyday?

那我们为什么不更新一下这些会影响我们日常生活的行为呢？

Now I'm sure some of y'all might be asking, "OK, I thought we were talking about workplace burnout.

肯定有人想问：“我以为我们要谈工作过劳。

Why aren't we talking more about our workplaces and our employers?"

为什么不多说点职场和雇主的事呢？”

Which is where I'll offer a little bit of a plot twist.

但是我现在还不想说这个。

Yes, when it comes to burnout, our workplaces and employers do own a big part of the equation.

没错，说到过劳，我们的职场和雇主就是罪魁祸首之一。

However, what I find to be somewhat of an overlooked part of the equation today is what piece of the problem we individually own ourselves, too.

但是我发现有一个被忽略的原因是我们自身的一些“毛病”。

If I inherently have a tendency or a pattern to overwork or not be able to set boundaries no matter what workplace or organization I change.

如果我就是个情不自禁要过度工作的人，或者根本没有设定边界的能力，那么跳槽到哪个公司或者机构都是一样的。

If I never take accountability to drive my own internal change, then no matter what external change I make,

如果我没有下决心要改变自己，无论外部条件如何改变，

I will likely keep suffering from the same patterns over and over again.

我还是会不断受到这样的折磨。

Now, all that being sad and all that being something I strongly believe in,

我是这么说的，也是这么坚定认为的，

I am also a realist and I know that not all of us will be ready to do our own deep personal work yet.

我还是个现实主义者，我知道不是所有人都做好了深刻反省、改过自新的准备。

So where else can we start on this topic?

那我们就这个话题还能说些什么呢？

What else can we do?

我们还能做些什么呢？

I'll offer three smaller steps.

我可以给大家提供三个小步骤。

First, when you find yourself wanting to say "we're like family" around work or organizations,

第一，如果你想在公司或者机构说出“我们就像是一家人”这种话，

try to get clearer in your communication and use language that has better boundaries.

请你说明白一点，用边界更清晰的表达方式。

As Brené Brown says, "Clear is kind.

布琳·布朗曾说：“直截了当是行善。

Unclear is unkind."

含糊其辞是作恶。”

So if you find yourself wanting to say "We're like family," but you're really kind of asking for a favor, clarify that, say,

如果你想说“我们就像是一家人”，但是你只是想求人帮个忙而已，请你清楚地说：

"Hey, you know, we actually need this deliverable a week sooner.

“嘿，我们需要提早一周交付。

What can we do to achieve that?"

我们该做些什么呢？”

Or if you're just trying to communicate a value about your organization, again, clarify the language and use boundaries.

如果你想传达公司的价值观，还是一样，请使用清晰的表达方式，设定边界。

Say, "It's a priority for our teams to feel trust and connection."

比如，“我们团队的当务之急是相互信任、相互联结。”

Or, as my friend Trey, the CEO of Kronologic, says to his team, he says, "We're not like a family; we're like a professional sports team."

我的朋友特雷，他是Kronologic公司的CEO，他对他的团队说：“我们不像一家人。我们像一支专业的运动团队。”

It still infers that same warmth and camaraderie, but within the boundaries of a workplace.

同样传达出了温暖和友爱，但是没有越过职场的界限。

Now, when it comes to this topic, it's not to say that you can't have deep, meaningful relationships from work,

谈到这个话题，我没有说你不能和同事建立深厚坚实的关系，

but it is to point out that we need to practice healthy boundaries so that we can sustain healthy workplaces and relationships.

但是我想指出的是，我们得建立健康的边界，这样我们才能维持健康的职场和同事关系。

The second tip I'll offer is to actually do the work to learn and model healthy boundaries for one another.

我想给出的第二个建议是努力学习、构建起对大家都有益的边界。

If you are a people-pleaser who tends to overscope and overcommit, try buying some time before you respond and commit.

如果你有讨好型人格，总是越界、用力过猛，那就在你作出回应和撸起袖子开干之前停顿一下。

Say, "Hey, I need to evaluate this against my other priorities.

可以说：“嘿，我得看看这排不排得进我的日程，

Can I get back to you by the end of the day?"

我下班之前告诉你可以吗？”

Give yourself some time for that behavioral change instead of getting stuck in the same repetitive pattern.

给自己争取一点改变这种行为的时间，而不是反复陷入循环。

When you're communicating boundaries, clarify what you need and what the impact will be if you don't get that need met.

在表明边界的同时，说清楚你需要什么，如果你的需求无法被满足，会有什么后果。

Say, "If we need this product a month sooner, I'm going to need the help of two other people.

比如：“如果你想提早一个月拿到这个产品，那就得有另外两个人来帮我。

Otherwise, the quality is really going to be at risk, and we might either lose team members or customers."

不然，质量就岌岌可危，我们就会失去我们的同事或者客户。”

Remember that when you're communicating boundaries, that's not a "me versus you" fight,

记住，在你表明界限的时候，不是要建立对立关系，

but it's what we need to do to collectively come together to resource ourselves, to sustain our organizations, workplaces and relationships.

而是说清楚我们要合力做些什么事，让我们自己有更多的资源，让我们的公司、职场和关系维持得更久。

Last tip I will offer is to see if you can find one way to empower mental health for yourself or others this year.

我要给出的最后一个建议是，在今年找到一个改善自己和他人心理健康的办法。

I will recognize that just when it comes to talking about mental, emotional health, our behaviors and our past, that can feel tender, personal.

我发现，人们在谈到自己的心理、情绪健康、行为、过往的时候，内心会感到柔软、私密。

But it can especially feel a little scary or stigmatized when we are talking about working with experts like psychologist or psychotherapist.

但是说到和专家，如心理学家或心理治疗师谈话，人们就会感到有点害怕或者羞耻。

I'll close here by offering a reframe in that thinking, a reframe in that stigma.

我就说到这里，在此给大家提供一个看待这种情况的新视角，如何丢掉这种羞耻之感。

When it comes to any other important part of our lives, we seek out experts.

在我们生活中的其他重要部分遇到问题时，我们会寻求专家的帮助。

When it comes to our physical health, we seek out doctors.

当谈到我们的身体健康时，我们会去找医生。

Financial health, we seek out financial advisors.

财务健康出问题时，我们会咨询财务顾问。

Why is it that when it comes to our mental health, we think we should take care of it on our own?

那么为什么在心理健康出问题时，我们会觉得自己能一个人扛下来呢？

We would never look at a friend who's having a heart attack and be like, "You should really take care of that yourself,

朋友心脏病发作的时候，我们不可能会说：“你自己治治吧，

otherwise you're kind of weak.

不然你也太废物了。

You should not need to go to the hospital."

去什么医院啊。”

Why is it that we think we can grow or develop our mental health when most of us don't have the tools or education to do so?

为什么我们会在大多数人缺乏相关途径或教育的情况下，觉得自己可以增强、改善我们的心理健康呢？

So today, whether it is your propensity to burn out, your struggle with setting boundaries or something different,

所以今天，无论你有没有过劳的倾向，有没有设定边界或采取新方式的障碍，

I hope you can feel a little bit more free and empowered to start building more meaning and sustainability into your life.

我希望你感到自己更自由了一点，更自主了一点，有能力让你的生活更有意义，更细水长流。

Thank you for your time.

谢谢您的聆听。