3 Misconceptions About Non-Monogamy
Thanks to guest writer Osaka for sharing about his experiences. Listen to him talk more about this topic on Date Night China Episode 9: Ethical Non-Monogamy on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast player.
For those that have had a chance to listen to the Date Night China Podcast this week, you’ll probably have noticed that the topic of Non-Monogamy/ Polyamory (NM hereafter) is both exceptionally dense and, as a result, fraught with misunderstanding and broad assumptions at best, or trepidation and disgust at worst.
What has become clear, however, is that how we choose to live our lives in terms of romance, love and sexual partnership is unarguably the product of the influences of our upbringing, our broader society, and our individual biology – the latter of which is often the least considered.
With this in mind, and before (hopefully) writing more about this in the future, I hoped to touch on some initial responses I’ve gotten from people in the past that act as a perfect starting point in trying to better understand what may be a massively foreign concept for many.
3 Misconceptions of Non-Monogamy
Before engaging in any conversation about NM, I try make it clear to people that there is a huge difference between explaining *WHY* NM happens (and what it is) and justifying NM.
It’s important to make this distinction because, often, curious readers/listeners will default to a position of defensiveness when engaging with this topic- themselves having experienced incidences of non-consensual NM. In plainspeak: they’ve either cheated, been cheated on, or have known people close to them who fall into that category.
This article is not trying to convince you to give it a bash - in fact, as you’ll see further on, it’s quite the opposite.
Because of that, I’d like to look at three basic misconceptions. Two from monogamous folk and one from non-monogamous folk.
1. “So you and your partner cheat on each other?”
Often times, when this subject is broached with me in social settings, I’m asked in either curious amazement or face-contorting disgust: “So you and your partner cheat on each other?”.
Simply put, no. Cheating is about lying. Cheating is about breaking an agreement. Couples that engage in consensual NM have made an active, open and honest agreement about what they’re doing (and not doing).
In order to literally meet the definitions of cheating you will have to have done something that is outside the scope or not in accordance with the established rules- that’s what the word means.
It just so happens that the baseline expectation for romantic relationships in modern society is monogamy. Because of this, any sexually NM acts are seen as a breach of this baseline expectation and are automatically tied to the notion of “cheating”. In the case of NM couples, though, cheating isn’t about being with another person, it’s about lying and breaking trust of expectations and agreements.
This is usually the first stumbling block for people who try to understand NM as a concept. Many people are (understandably, and through absolutely no fault of their own) appalled by this idea and they cannot separate the idea of “loyalty” from sexual monogamy. To them, loyalty is less about sticking to agreed-upon rules or guidelines and more about “not going there”.
It’s a conflation of the yucky feelings they may have when a partner breaks trust AND the yucky feelings of jealousy when their significant other engages sexually with someone else. Those feelings of jealousy are *very* natural. They’re an evolutionary response. But because those two things happen simultaneous, the issues associated with bad feels from breaking trust are tied up into the bad feels from jealousy.
This is because the negative reaction to the idea of your partner getting with someone else is at least partly a product of the ubiquitous use of the word “cheating” to denote extra-pair coupling (the scientific term for a sexual engagement outside of the primary relationship) rather than “lying” as we already mentioned.
In addition, in every day English use, the word “loyalty” is used to refer to sexual (or emotional!) monogamy rather than the dedication to your partner. It’s that last point about loyalty that leads people to ask this:
2. “So you guys aren’t serious?”
The two NM relationships I’ve been in have been very serious. They’ve been some of the richest, most rewarding, most love-filled experiences I’ve had in my life. I was exceptionally serious- and exceptionally loyal.
Many people I know that are in, or have been in NM relationships, feel exactly the same way. Again, it’s just that in today’s society, too often we see NM as a buffer period where you begin to get serious with your ideal partner rather than a sustainable “serious” relationship state.
Furthermore, because of cheating, because of infidelity and because of (frankly BS) Hollywood tropes of what it means to love or not to love, people believe that having sexual contact with a person that is not your primary partner must either mean there is a problem or that there is no love; both of which are patently and demonstrably not necessarily the case.
3. “You should try it! It’s amazing!”
This misconception is one from the perspective of people engaging in non-monogamy. As you may have heard in the podcast, couples in NM relationships often have an elevated feeling of euphoria – many feel they have discovered “the answer” to all life and relationship ills. This view however is also not particularly accurate for everyone else.
Non Monogamy is not an IPA.
What I mean by this is that NM is not an acquired taste. It’s not something I believe you can will your way into or eventually learn to accept if it is something that you are fundamentally opposed to on an intrinsic/biological level. And that’s okay. If that’s you, you’ll be relieved to know you’re probably in the majority in terms of similarly minded folk (though probably not as big a majority as you think).
Some people are simply built differently – more specifically (or scientifically), different people will have different innate responses or impulses according to their individual biological imperatives (“imperative” in this case being our subconscious evolutionary urges and pushes). Hopefully there will be an opportunity to unpack this in the near future!
But, what’s important to note is that how we learn to act and how we feel may not always be in alignment. So while we may look around and assume that *everyone* is monogamously minded, it may actually be the case that people are responding and engaging in a way that they’ve learned is socially acceptable. It doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what they feel on a biological level.
That being said, it’s equally important to know that there is no “one-size” fits all approach to monogamy/non-monogamy. There doesn’t need to be a dictated approach to every couple’s relationship. What’s works for some may not work for others.
So long as there is respect, honesty, openness and communication with your significant other, how you choose to engage in your relationship should only be decided by those in the relationship.
Thanks to guest writer Osaka for sharing about his experiences. Listen to him share more about this on Date Night China Episode 9: Ethical Nonmonogamy on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast player.
Are you in a non-monogamous relationship? Do you have a story or perspective to share? Reach out to DNC admin Rachel on Wechat: rachelweiss22
Join the Date Night China Wechat group!
Join the Date Night China community, catch up on the latest articles and dating discussions, and hear more about upcoming events. Add Rachel on Wechat to join: rachelweiss22
Read More From Date Night China:
About Date Night China
Date Night China is a digital media platform and events organization based in Beijing that aims to build a positive community and share stories about relationships and dating in China. Follow our Wechat Account for the latest articles, new podcast episodes, and upcoming events.